Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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