You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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