community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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