My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
