i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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