At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
