He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
