I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
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After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
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I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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