if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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