i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
