i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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