I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
