I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
