Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I smell stomach acid.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
