he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
