If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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