So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
