he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
