wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
