i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
