Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
