I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Randomize
