Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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