Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
