Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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