I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Congratulations! We have a period
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