I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
