I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
