I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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