My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Randomize
