I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
