Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
