Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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