Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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