he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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