How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
