I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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