Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
