Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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