Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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