Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
