he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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