I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
