take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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