Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
