The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
