And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
