but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
