I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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