I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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