someone get that fucking seahorse.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
