I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
