Having a random hookup so left but love u
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
