Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
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