we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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