you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
